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Sunday Soliloquy:Stirring a cup of DNA and Sympathy June 14, 2009

White, Awaken from the Unknowing-12 inch-High Res.

“A woman’s health is her capital.
-Harriet Beecher Stowe

(This post is in memory of my mother who died maybe today, maybe yesterday. July 27, 1938- June ? 2007)

Nicely laid plans are foolishly laid plans. I learned this about two years ago. If you could measure a year in miles then my mother’s death would have been passed by only two miles. See, that isn’t that far at all. Let’s pretend you were looking for a store to go shopping, perhaps for some imported yarn and darning needles. At some point you are in unfamiliar territory and you realize that you have gone by your intended destination without realizing it. You have arrived at the present point or moment by mistake. Your road map has the instructions which tell you exactly where you should be going. Your GPS said nothing about this slight detour. Two miles is not really that far. You could just turn the automobile back around and get back on track. Unfortunately death is not a shopping trip and there is no turning back. My mother died sometime this week of June, two years ago. Pushing back time is a frequent habit of mine. Remember 1 year = 1 mile. I am not that far off course. She is still back there somewhere, at a thrift store or five and dime waiting for me to pick her up. I have simply lost her for a moment. That’s all.

This anniversary has produced a series of delays in my posts. People expect that I have gotten over my mother’s death by now. I have not. Again 2 years = 2miles. I can still go back. Some connection certainly exists between the month of June, my fuzzy mindedness, and my increasing anxiety. The truth of the matter is I do not know the exact date of my mother’s death. It happened sometime between June 6th 2007 and June 14th. June 6th was the last day I spoke with her. Her electricity had been cut off and she contacted a friend of mine to tell me. I was somewhat perturbed with her. She had borrowed $89 dollars from this friend and she was without a phone. I lived 500 miles away from her so without a phone, communication was difficult. Social Security was not cutting it for her financially. She was only accessible through written communication. Now I was being asked for money for a cell phone. This was after she allowed the land line I set up for her to be disconnected for the third time. Mother despised land lines because of frequent calls from telemarketers. Hogwash, I thought she was as usual being stubborn. An occasional ring from a solicitor or two was a nuisance that was well worth its weight in the comfort and security of knowing that help was a phone call away.

Before June 6th, 2007 I had not heard my mother’s voice in exactly six months. It would be the last time I would hear her voice. My last words to her were “Is there anything you need from me.”

Alice Neel "Two Girls"

Alice Neel "Two Girls"

How appropriate a statement, for it summarized our entire relationship. On July 1, 2007 I received a phone call from the morgue telling me that her body had been found. She had been dead for nearly three weeks, alone as if she had no son, no daughter, as if no one cared. And so ended the story of Afrocity and mother, without a good bye. Nothing was ever easy with her. I cannot conclude what happened to her without going over that one prior conversation again and again and again. As with most of my reactions concerning her, of course I felt that she was my child and I had to help her. I dream of making some alteration in the tone of my voice during the call. Was it absolutely necessary for me to scold her for not having a land line phone. I should have just bought the damn cell phone like she had asked me to.

Here I am now, Sunday June 14, 2009. The sun is shining but who am I to enjoy anything. My mother is dead because of my own neglect. I want to think about what I could have done differently. That was my plan for today.

Of course this did not happen. How many times do I need to remind myself that plans never follow through because we are not in control of our lives? My phone rang and the number on caller ID was unfamiliar to me. Sunday meant that it was not a business call. I thought what the hell and answered it.

It was my sister. A woman I have never met.

As hinted in my earlier posts, my relationship with my father is a “work in progress”. I have known him for maybe four years. He has other children which means I have other siblings, or half siblings however you want to describe it. During his youth, my father epitomized the well known ghetto cliché of Johnny Appleseed. Spread as much seed around as possible in order to ensure conservation of the black race- the more trees, the merrier. Who cares that they have no roots or branches to success.

The woman I was speaking with had a connection to me. We shared DNA of the same man. She needed a “tree surgeon” and called me for help.

I will call her “Kim”. Kim is only 16 months older than I. I knew of her through my father who often commented on her “ghetto persona”. Fake blond hair weave, long nails, multiple kids. He called her ‘soulful”, which means “ghetto” in black code. In telling me this, I took away the impression that my father did not think that Kim and I would get along. I am far from ‘ghetto”. I have a masters degree, short nails painted with clear polish, no children. I live on the good side of town. It should also be noted that my father has three other children besides myself. I have attempted a relationship with the others and it was awkward at best. After mother passed, I did not have the patience for drama. Especially drama that involved new found family members.

This description of my father and his offspring should serve as a reminder that while I am trying to include him in my life, there is also a piece of me that is somewhat hesitant to get too involved. I have already birthed and reared a mother who died on me without so much as a goodbye.

My coping mechanisms are fried at this point. But still here I was on the phone listening to Kim, who has just been diagnosed with cervical cancer at the age of 41. Dad has told me that she wanted to speak with me because I was “the smart one” and I had real medical insurance. Kim does not and is on government assistance and health insurance. Once our conversation got beyond the awkward “Who is yo’ momma’s man” etc, the tone took on a subsequent closeness. Not only do we share the same paternal DNA but we are both women.  I jumped straight to the point.

The Thankful Poor, 1894. Henry Ossawa Tanner

The Thankful Poor, 1894. Henry Ossawa Tanner

“What stage is your cancer in and how where you diagnosed?”  I asked.

“Huh? I dunno. All I know is that the spot is bigger than 2 centimeters, so they have to take it all out. My reproductives.”

This was her neat characterization of having a hysterectomy. I asked her what sort of insurance she had. I already knew the answer from my father but I wanted to hear it from her.

“It is government assistance”

This means you are as good as dead, I thought.

“Have you had abnormal pap smears in the past?” I asked.

“Um yeah, for the last 13 years…”

13 years?? WTF? Kim is scared and with good reason. Like with most government health care agencies, the quality of “care” sucks.  Kim explained to me that there was never any real explanation or follow up on her abnormal test results. An interruption in her period necessitated a visit to her doctor. This was when she was told she had stage one cervical cancer and they wanted to do a hysterectomy.

“But I don’t want a hysterectomy. I want more kids,”   (Don’t ask me why)

It sounded as though the doctors were being vague about her treatment options, giving her a scarce amount of details. When the details were shared with Kim, they were rarely precise and varied from doctor to doctor.

Normally this conversation would have got me started on why government run health care is inadequate. Kim did not need to hear this. Indeed my primary focus is to help her, how is the question. Kim was nearly in tears when she told me how the doctor told her that she had cancer.

“It was like that commercial where the lady says he was mean-the one from the American Cancer Society. They have froze things off me before and put vinegar in me.”

Daguerrotype of White woman and enslaved girl

Daguerrotype of White woman and enslaved girl

Vinegar? What sort of quack is this?   “I know the commercial. You deserve better than that.”   But the government won’t think so. This is not my problem. Why am I on the phone with this woman I hardly know? What am I getting myself into? Does she need money? Why is she calling me today of all days?” I could not help my mother how the hell can I help this woman who is my half sister? This is Sunday June 14th, 2009, the second anniversary of my mother’s mystery death. But although I was thinking the bad thoughts of hanging up the phone- cutting the conversation short perhaps by using some lame excuse that my doorbell was ringing, I found myself giving her the number to my gynecologist. More than likely they will not take her insurance but I will call my doctor in the morning and beg her to treat my sister.  My doctor is a wonderful and thoughtful woman, she cares about her patients. I would expect her to treat Kim, as well as she would anyone with private health insurance.

Before ending the phone call, I assured Kim that I would speak with my doctor and call her tomorrow. If she is denied care, I suppose my next step would be to let Kim pretend she is me and go to another doctor. I think that is what my father wants me to do. That is insurance fraud and I do not want to involve myself in that. As with my mother, I am fearful that I am once again unable to help another woman in my life. Another woman that shares my DNA.  There is a faint sense of guilt coming over me already again. I feel guilty for having good health care. It was not always this way. My elevated status in life has afforded me what my mother, sister and father have been denied. Turning to the specific aspect of universal health care, it seems that Kim is getting health insurance from the government and it is inadequate. Just a band-aid. She does not have access to the best doctors or a say in her treatment options.  However, I can’t help but think why didn;t she do more with her life so she would not be at the mercy of the government to decide when and how she is cured.

As I continue my Sunday, there is no doubt that guilt and sorrow will be prevailing theme of the day.

Autographed Letter Signed,



15 Responses to “Sunday Soliloquy:Stirring a cup of DNA and Sympathy”

  1. swanspirit Says:

    Sweet Afrocity , this is a sorrowfilled tale. I too, being woman and first born , have an overinflated sense of responsibilty and toxic guilt . ( toxic guilt isnt the equivalent of real acknowledgement of responsiblity , it is grossly exaggerated beyond healthy boundaries, and parameters . )
    Email me ?

  2. {{{hugs}}} to you today, Afrocity. I know it’s a cliche, but it is not your fault about your mother–only the good Lord above is in charge of calling his children home. I hope you can believe that and wean yourself from the ‘if only’ game (you can only loose at it).

    I’m sorry to hear about your sister. My prayers go out to her, no matter what doctor/treatment she gets.

    Again with the cliches, but you can only do so much for other people. You cannot think or act for them–that would be taking away their freedom. When they ask for help, you can only give as much as feels right to you. Then keep moving forward. Again, it is the good Lord’s decision what ultimately happens. We are merely bit players.

    Peace ‘n hugs.

  3. LJSNAustin Says:

    Afrocity, I believe what swanspirit said about toxic guilt is so true. I needed to hear it too, swanspirit. Too often, I mentally go into that horrible room in that horrible nursing home where I saw my mother dying and feel myself starting with that guilt–for not yanking her up out of there and taking her home. It was too late for that. She was already shutting down and in a coma from dehydration/malnutrition related to Alzheimer’s (at age 62). I don’t know the answers, but I do know this guilt is very, very bad for us. And whenever I find myself going there, I have to bravely remind myself that my mom gave me life and wants ONLY the best for me. Guilt is not it.

  4. Amazonia Says:

    Afrocity: Many middle age adults go through similar experiences with their aging parents. And some older adults pass away with sudden conditions such as a heart attack. From reading all your previous posts it seems to me that as far as you could, and as much as Mom allowed you, you have been a responsible, loving adult child. Life ends at one time or another.

    As for your sister, I am not sure she understands clearly the implications of having cervical cancer, since she is still talking of wanting to keep her “reproductives to have more children”
    since getting pregnant will certainly cause fast advancement of her cancer.
    She might benefit from going to the doctor’s visit/discussion of the cancer’s treatment with another adult she trusts to get a better understanding of the risks of the disease going untreated and the risks and benefits of treatment. Ultimately, however, the one to make a decision will be the patient, your sister.

    In general I think the medical care even
    under State Insurance should go well with proper follow up and social support.

    I love reading your posts Afrocity.
    God bless.


  5. Liberal Larry Says:

    Afrocity your conservative views are what killed you mother and will kill your sister. Sounds to me like you look down on poverty stricken people. Republicans are alot of people who think they are rich but aren’t. Your schooling has gone to your head you left your mom behind in poverty all the while you did not help her.
    Too bad your back is turned on the democratic party that gives more help to blacks and latinos than any other. The republicans would let you starve. You have an identity crisis like so many educated young black people.

    • afrocity Says:

      Larry can you tell me specifically what the Democratic Party has down for African Americans in the last ten years? I do not have an identity crisis. I know exactly what and who I am. You are not the first Democrat to say this to me and certainly will not be the last. You believe that all people of color belong to the DNC as if it is some sort of birthright. You do realize that it is racist to think that all minorities think alike. Conservatism is not exclusive to any race, religion, gender or sexual orientation and neither is liberalism.

      Concerning my mother there may be some truth to your comment. I did not purchase the phone because I wanted her to see that a phone is a valuable thing to have. She disconnected two landlines against my wishes. Then she requests a cell phone. Again I was the one who would pay for this, as I did the other two phones. I thought that perhaps she would help herself and get her own phone. So yes that is conservative and she paid with her life for my lesson.

      My mother and I were homeless at one point- many of the people who ran the shelter were Republicans. When I lived in Texas most of my friends were Republicans and they were always helpful.

      • Afrocity, don’t you believe for a minute a single vile word that Liberal Larry has to say. He is trying to bait you and there isn’t an ounce of validity in his comment.

        I know from having been in similar shoes that nothing I say will lessen your guilt or alleviate your pain, but I have to write it anyway. Your mom was an adult woman and there were a million small decisions, experiences, coincidences, and events that shaped her life and brought her to her final moments. Your principles did not change the course of her life and no matter how much it feels like it, you are not responsible for her death.

        I can only imagine, even if she didn’t express it, how proud of you your mother must have been, seeing her daughter rise up out of poverty to become an accomplished professional with a graduate degree, strong principles, and so much concern for others. Afrocity, every day you touch people’s lives in positive ways through your writing and through the kindness you’re willing to extend to others like your half-sister. The world is a better place with you in it, and your mom must feel such peace and joy knowing that through you she has had such a great impact on so many people.

        I wish I could make this week easier on you. You know how to get in touch with me if you want to talk. xoxo

      • boldandbald Says:

        AC, I would like to add my support to those already stated here. Jenn said it very well when she said that you have made this world a better place. I know that you have opened my eyes to many things that my experiences have never exposed me to. There is only so much that we can do to help those around us, and when they continue to reject that help we must, at some point, say that we have done what we could. I know it isn’t that simple, but ultimately that is the truth.

        As if any further proof was needed that you are good people, the fact that you are trying to help a sibling that you have never met deal with such a large problem should put any further debate on the issue to bed. You are absolutely not responsible for the decisions that she has made in her life that have caused her to be in the position she is in with regards to her insurance. You stated that “My elevated status in life has afforded me what my mother, sister and father have been denied.” You are wrong. It is not your ‘elevated status’ but, rather, your hard work, determination and your ability to hold on to your principles when all around you were people trying to knock you back down to their level. Never feel guilty for having bettered yourself through education and a strong work ethic.

        Now, as for Loser Larry, I have a medical question. Just how have you managed to get your head that far up your *ss?

    • manbearpig68 Says:

      Liberal Larry, I would like to hear how conservative views killed her mother, how the Democrats help blacks and latinos more than any others, and how her schooling has gone to her head? Sounds to me like a lot of typical empty liberal accusations from a person who has an “Identity crisis” of their own.. Are you a thinking person or a sheep?

    • johninca Says:

      Afrocity, I can’t tell you what Democrats have done for African Americans, but I certainly can tell you what they have done to African Americans. You might want to research such names as Nathan Bedford Forrest, George Wallace, Ross Barnett and Orville Faubus.

      Since you’re an archivist, I’d like to recommend a little book called Ku Klux Klan– Its Origin, Growth and Disbandment. It’s a rare book, but should be a cinch for you to find. Read it through, and I think you’ll get why I mention it in the context of “what Democrats have done for African Americans.”

    • doppelganglander Says:

      What kind of evil person goes around posting vicious, hurtful lies on the blog of someone they don’t even know? Or do you think you’re funny? Either way, you are an oxygen thief and a wart on humanity’s ass. Go away — far, far away.

  6. Amazonia Says:

    Liberal Larry has an empty space where heart an compassion are supposed to be in his body.

  7. NJBeachbum Says:

    Liberal Larry…did you know that your beloved Democrat party actually started the KKK in order to strike fear and terror into the hearts of (get ready, here it comes…) blacks!

    I know, it’s ancient history. A history I’m certain you would like everyone to forget!

    Thanks for starting the KKK and taking care of blacks Larry!

  8. Janis Says:

    Liberal Larry figures there’s no good to being a liberal (white) guy if it won’t get you some black person or woman kissing your ass from now until kingdom come.

    He hates Afrocity for the same reason he most likely hates Sarah Palin. He’s a white guy who’s liberal, so where’s his gratitude already? Just like a stone racist and sexist asshole, he misses teh days when he was instantly fawned over by all blacks and women everywhere, and being a liberal is his way of getting all that again.

    And when black people and women, and especially black women, don’t get on their knees and suck to assure him of his fabulousness, then the long knives come out, and they will be far more targetted and surgical in theri cold viciousness than anyone could believe.

    Choke on your fair-trade coffee, Larry.

  9. doppelganglander Says:

    Afrocity, I’m sorry to hear about your sister. I just lost my sister to breast cancer last month. I admire your willingness to help her, even though you don’t even know her. Based on your description, maybe the best thing you can do for her is to make sure she understands her condition and her treatment options. Either her doctors haven’t bothered to explain, or she doesn’t entirely understand the situation, or maybe a bit of both. I’ll keep you both in my prayers.

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