Today has been quite troubling for me. I ran around the stores in an exhaustive search for Mother’s Day gifts for my aunt’s. Of course I saw everything for myself and nothing for them. I decided to try on a dress, a nice pretty yellow one- perfect for spring. I took off my clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. Why do department store fitting rooms have the worst mirrors? The lighting is bad you look sallow and unattractive. I looked at my thighs and saw my mom. Damn her. I only got the bad parts. Pinching a clump of my brown skin and jiggling it, I felt old. Someday I’m going to be older and older and older. Soon I will be dead like my mother. Anger came over me. Anger at her for leaving me. How selfish of you Afrocity. The truth truth is you need her to be alive in order for you to feel young. No more safety net between death and myself. Grandmother in 1987, mother in 2007, then someday me. Yes, my dying is in the realm of possible possibilities.
I was surprised, the dress looked rather nice on me. It was a beautiful gauze fabric, a great price, and it camouflaged my 37 inch hips. Afrocity you need to hit the gym. I could hear other women chatting. Young girls. Two were talking to each other on their cells phones. “So silly” I whispered to myself, a bit envious that cell phones were not around when I was a teenager. Their conversation was about meeting that special guy’s mom for the first time.
Girl One: And so many guys are such fucktards because they don’t know that being vegan means you cannot have dairy.
Girl Two: Ah Huh
Girl One: So Ryan didn’t tell her that I was a vegan and we went there and she like cooked a roast.
Girl Two: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Girl One: I know right. She felt like a fucking idiot.
Girl Two: You didn’t eat it did you?
Girl one: Fuck NOOOOO! Oh My gawd. I sat there and starved. I would eat dirt first. Ha ha she said she was sorry like a thousand times.
Girl Two: You know people who eat meat smell different. Like the guys-
I couldn’t listen anymore. They made me ill at that point. As I reached for my skirt, girl number one, dropped her key chain. It was full of keys and Obama slogans on bottle caps. Ugh. I put my clothes back on, paid for the dress and left for the drug store.
My reaction to the “fitting room girls” bothered me. Why was I being so funky about it? Afrocity failed at being a vegetarian four times. Pasta is my daily diet but I have to have meat at least twice a week or I lose my mind. Sushi is my favorite food. Real sushi, not just California or spicy tuna rolls. Unagi うなぎ, Ikura イクラ, yellow tail. I crave it. I wondered if being a meat eater disqualifies you as a feminist. I really tried to be vegetarian-
Oh shit. Now I realize why I am in a pissy mood. I am not cool anymore. I wear cool clothes but I am not gay or a vegan. I don’t give a rat’s ass about eating organic. I didn’t vote for Obama. What’s my cool quotient?
African American: +10
Meat Eater: -30
Owns shelter pets: +10 per animal (30)
Owns a Juicer: +5 (hasn’t been used in 2 years -2
Owns a iPod: +20
Shops at Whole Foods: +7
Loves Sarah Palin: -80
Enough I can’t think about it anymore. Meanwhile watch this video clip of Laura Ingram and feminist Gloria Feldt squaring off on Miss California, 5/1/09 on The O’Reilly Factor. Once again proving if you are conservative, you are not a feminist.
Autographed Letter Signed,